This year, I asked the universe for 3 things. I thought long and hard about each before I asked. They were as follows.
The first two showed up in amazing ways. I feel like I have a grasp on both like I have never known. (Because… ask and it is given. Really. Just be careful what you wish for. Because it’s coming!)
That’s not me, but it is how I felt when I left my marriage, was let go from a job, and drove to Florida with no agenda or itinerary other than… ocean.
These images speak volumes to me. All the power I’ve ever sought is within me.
Check empowerment off the list!
So, let’s talk integrity for a second. (I saved it for last because, honestly? I thought it would be the most boring. But luckily, I am working with a VERY skilled teacher. My inner being.)
About 3 years ago, I realized that I needed to do something with my life where I could be fully ME. Glennon Doyle Melton taught me that with her book Carry on Warrior. I realized that I could come out of the closet as a recovering alcoholic/bulimic and still be loved. That the presentation of my vulnerability could liberate others the same way her story liberated me. I knew that my story was my power, a force to be reckoned with, and something that no one could take away from me. My greatest challenges had presented themselves to me as the key to my awakening, my soul’s chosen path to finding my Self. It is no coincidence that the universe gave me quite a few more hurdles to clear, (divorce, eating disorder relapse, depression, job loss, just overall devastation) leaving me a hell of a lot stronger and frankly, ready to ask for something other than pain for a while. I discovered somewhere along the way that the pen was in my hand. I was more than the main character, being tossed about by whatever random plot the universe decided to throw my way. Now I am the creator. And now, joy is my teacher.
(I like her better.)
I came to know over time that I am not a pawn in a giant game of destiny, I am the one moving the pieces. After living my life up until 3 years ago wearing different masks, dancing like a monkey for whoever was around, and trying to jam myself into a mold that didn’t feel good at all, I knew my days of wearing masks were over. I simply could not have a “work” me and a “vacation” me and a “yoga” me and a “mother” me, and a “wife” me, etc etc. I wanted to just be ME. Integrated, whole, honest, child of the universe. I wanted to step into the light, be seen for who I really am, and know that I am so loved. When I came to know and understand that some people chose to live and move that way in the world, I decided I would not stop until I found that type of integrity. Knowing that my wounds gave me wisdom, only I could turn my pain to power, and rise up as the wounded healer that I am.
SHOUTING TO THE SKY, “God, USE ME! I want to be one of your workers. Help me nourish and grow the seeds of purpose that have been planted in my heart.”
There is nothing I have ever wanted more in the entire world than to co-create with spirit. In fact, I named this year “My year of Co-Creating with Spirit”. It’s been seriously FUN watching God and the angels wink at me.
Spirit is fun, playful, wise and true. When source is flowing to me and through me, I am invincible. I tap into a well of inner strength and intuition, I become a vessel for the power that creates WORLDS. Yes, worlds. YOU are capable of holding that same power. That source energy is flowing towards you and all you must do is open your MIND, eyes, heart, and hands and say YES! I want to flow with you. Show me where to go and what to do because there is no experience on earth quite like frolicking with your inner being, playing with the spirit world.
I have been divided before so I know what it feels like to have an internal split. This is precisely why I wanted the universe to deliver me INTEGRITY. I wanted to cease fighting myself. I had always wondered if this shadow aspect of me- My Demons, was self-created or actually real. I wanted to be in the light- to align my heart, mind, and gut and go in that direction. No more internal battles, no more war against me. Amnesty. Inner Peace. Integrity.
I’m going to give you a recent example of when I was not in my integrity, and how my emotional guidance system brought me back in alignment. Friday night, I arranged to have my mother watch my children from 8-10 PM. I had an internal agenda to stay out a bit later, but to wait to ask for that extension until about 9:30. Sneaky, right? Obviously, I had my own motives. I’m sure my daughters will repay me for these shenanigans one day. When I got no response, and it was after 10, I began to feel uncomfortable. I was enjoying the company I was in, but part of me was not fully there, because I knew I was not in my integrity.
I apologized to my mother, but that’s the thing about words. They mean nothing when your actions are not in alignment with them. Even saying I was sorry felt like I was rubbing her face in my bullshit. What real power is is when your thoughts, actions, and way of being align with who you really are. That’s what feels best. That’s when you know that you gave your all to a situation, and it does not matter how others respond because you are good with you. It’s very freeing to know yourself, and BE yourself. What’s not so freeing is when you are not 100% honest and so you know a negative result was caused by you not being in your integrity. It’s just not worth it, no matter what you are bending the truth for. Even a very charming young gentleman.
So I realized, spirituality for the sake of it is really nice, but when its just for you and you don’t allow it to flow through to your relationships, its pretty meaningless. Learning how to love and be true to who you really are within the spectrum of relationships is the hardest and holiest work there is. Integrity is being about it. Fully pouring yourself into your life- your craft, relationships, and your actions without attachment to the outcome. Joy for the sake of joy. Love for the sake of love. Doing what feels good, because if you are honest with yourself, doing what you say you are going to do really feels the best.
Integrity is the sweat that goes into life. It is the preparation before a test or a workshop. It is knowing you gave a wholehearted effort and for that reason, you are ok even if you got a D+. It feels better inside than when you wing it, and you get a B-. At least the D+ was earned!
Guilt is like those bumps on the sides of the highway that let you know to get your ass back between the lines! Get back on the track of who you really are. Get in your integrity. Be kind and generous and loving to those around you. When you make the best of what’s around, the best gets even better.
We are meant to feel pure, unadulterated joy in this life. We are created to feel good, and there are plenty of reasons to do so. Feel good about your eyes opening, being aware enough to be reading this, an abundance of oxygen to fill your lungs right now, and enough sustenance physically. Your limbs move, your lungs inflate, you are here and you are alive and you have GREAT PURPOSE. Just breathe in and enjoy that. Get used to appreciating everything and the universe will send you more to appreciated. Wait with eager anticipation because the blessings are about to RAIN DOWN my friends. Inspiration will start playing with you. Life feels so frisky and fun when you are ACTIVELY ENGAGED with that inspiration. Inspired action leads you to a life of passion and purpose, of aliveness and eagerness and enthusiasm and love.
We are free beings, meaning we have full access to the entire realm of human emotions. Nelson Mandela was held prisoner for 20-some years, and yet he managed to stay free on the inside. To project love and peace to all he came into contact with. This is why a human being who Is in alignment with who they really are is more powerful than a million who aren’t. We are all meant to deliberately create a life filled with meaning, purpose, joy, abundance, and love. If we are short of any of those, it simply means we have deviated from our highlighted route, taken a detour to a rough patch when there is really no need for that. As soon as we are willing, honest, and open, help can get in. Our angels, human and celestial, can descend and help us out of the tangles, back in our integrity, back in a feeling good place of who we really are. But again, that cannot happen until we get honest about our state of being, are open to divine help, and are willing to take inspired action.
Spirituality and joy are BEST WHEN SHARED.
Have you ever prayed with someone and felt the shared energy expand exponentially? Or played or sang with someone when you were both in alignment with who you really are? There is nothing like it! It’s engaging and explosive and entertaining and FUN. We all become these beautiful vessels of spirit, playing off and increasing one another’s energy, lifting the collective vibration.Then it becomes natural to pour it out! A vessel is a container. That’s what you are.
Once you are open, so much goodness can flow through. To keep that flow going, we must be willing to go where spirit takes us. Willing to say YES when the universe nudges us. That makes life so rich and delicious and fulfilling. When we can be the light, the light is all we see.
So are demons and shadows and darkness real? Not for me, not anymore. The largest part of me, my inner being, never separates from source energy. Sometimes, the physical aspect of me takes a little while to catch up. But that doesn’t make her evil. She is human, beautiful, expanding, empowered, integrated, and free.