The most revolutionary and bold thing anyone has ever said to me is “You are not broken.”
Followed in a close second by “You have all the answers you seek.”
Why are those two statements so hard to accept? Why do I toss and turn them, allow the world to tell me who and what I am and should be, why do I fail to act upon the wisdom of my heart? Something inside me knows they are true. But I still need a permission giver. Someone who tells me its ok, I’m enough, and I am worthy of love.
My heart wants to bloom. It wants to soar. It wants to create. It wants freedom. It wants unconditional love flowing to me, from me, and through me. It wants to liberate others. It wants to beat authentically to its own drum. It wants every day to be a dance, and it wants to dance every day.
Most of all, it tells me to remember. Remember what it has taught me. Remember who you are and what you have asked the universe to bring you. On New Year’s Day this year, I asked for Freedom, Integrity, and Creativity. The universe has been showing me that I can have all these things, but they are all things I have to choose to be. They are freely given, but require me to participate in their manifestation. God has healed me and continues to heal me, but I have to keep asking, keep reaching for healing. It’s not something I arrive at… it’s something I actively create with God every single moment of every single day.
There are moments when I am pulled away from what I truly want. Moments that I resort to painful, self-abusive coping mechanisms. Moments that I cling or magnetize to the world’s words and opinions of me instead of seeing myself with my love goggles on. Moments when I allow someone I love to direct my sails instead of the still voice within providing me direction, and then I wonder why my boat has crashed on the beach.
My boat has crashed, sunk, and been smashed to smithereens. This comes in the form of pain and suffering. It comes in the form of forgetting who I am, and symbolically and literally ending up with my head in a toilet. If I don’t get the truth out of me, it finds a way to come up out of me in a purge. If I abandon my truth in favor of what any person or any book says, I abandon God. I leave the little girl inside me locked in a closet with no lights on. My heart gets starved, so I run to food. Though it’s not a physical hunger that I am experiencing, my mind tells me it will fill the hole. The hungry ghost within yells “FEED ME”, and I do.
When the separation from my soul occurs, and I feel cut off from my voice and my light, I fall prey to the insidious addiction, the strange mental twist that is the voice in my head. She tells me it’s ok to face plant in a gallon of ice cream and a tub of peanut butter. It will be such a thrill to eat and eat and eat, and then get away with the ravenous, animalistic, violent binge with an even more intense purge. She wraps her arms around me like a warm, black cloak and whispers sweet nothings in my ear, masquerading very skillfully as the truth.
Bingeing takes 20 – 30 minutes sometimes. Purging takes 3. All that food that took so long to gobble, when I open my throat, can come flowing out much faster. My mind races and tries to make sense of it all. My head spins and I can’t breathe. I decide I don’t deserve to live. I want to cry, but often no sound comes out.
Then sanity eventually returns, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I remember that no matter what, I’m not giving up. I remember that I am on my side. I don’t know in that moment what the next right thing is, because I’ve forgotten that the answers lie in my heart. So I scroll facebook, read spiritual books, call friends, and eventually run right back to the cycle that broke me. This is the nature of addiction. It is insanity in the mind, an afflicted physical body, and an inability to deal with basic human emotions, especially pain. And it is a spiritual sickness that tells me that I’m separate. That my actions don’t affect others, which I am not worth trying to heal. It says that I am full of guilt, shame, fear, grief, lies, illusion, and attachments. And that I will never be free. I will never have the things I want because I never stick with anything. I’m always oscillating with the winds of change, always falling prey to my emotional nature, always weak in my flesh, and completely powerless over my mind. If those things are true, then why fight it? Why not just surrender to the reality that I am sick and always will be?
Because I have a choice today. I must surrender, that is for sure. But it is my choice whether I surrender to the voice of ego and fear, the voice that I am separate, bad and wrong, self-centered and selfish and afraid. I have surrendered to this voice many times, and it brings a lot of bad, wrong, self-centered actions and plenty-o-fear.
I can surrender to the voice that says I am perfect, whole and complete in God. I am not separate from you or anyone, or God. I am in the vine and the branches, I am a child of God. We all are. Anything that suggests otherwise is ego, my small separated self. All the great spiritual masters have derived the truth that we are all connected, we are all one. We are one with the father, we are one with the mother, we are brothers and sisters, we are mirrors of each other. Physically, we seem separate, but this is an illusion of the 3D world. When we close our eyes, and slip into the spirit realm, we meet other on that same level. We see ourselves with pure, infinite, unconditional love. Only then can we discover that those around us are also made of that one love. We are gods with skin on us. That’s what Jesus showed us we can be. He said the Kingdom of Heaven is within. That WE would create greater miracles than him. But somehow we say, not me. I’m not capable or worthy of the life he calls me to step into. So I’m going to play small. Self-sabotage is a hell of a lot more comfortable than success. It’s also a lot less risky. I’m good at failure. Success is just too unfamiliar.
So if I choose to focus on my brokenness, my fear, my weakness, then I’m going to dwell on the time I snapped at my daughter, or let a work commitment fall through the cracks, or dropped the ball in a relationship when I should have showed up as love. I can choose to focus on the fact that I keep falling back into this bulimic hellhole. But if I allow space for another voice, then I can hear grace and forgiveness say, I don’t have to do that today. It gets to be ok. By my stumbling, the world is perfected.
I’m ok and on my way!
I am perfect, whole and complete IN God. He is in me and I am in him. God is love and so am I. God is all there is of me. God I am. As I empty myself, I can fill up with the Holy Spirit.
That was a mantra I was reciting during teacher training 2 years ago. The same day, lightning struck my tree in the front yard. No damage was done, but the spiritual significance to me was striking. It was without a shred of doubt, a sign from God.
God sends me signs that are just as amazing, although often a lot more subtle, every day. Sometimes I am paying attention, but often I am not. I find that the most amazing and fascinating part of this journey is simply becoming more and more awake and aware that I am in fact NOT alone. I never have been and never will be. Any thoughts of separation or brokenness are a trick of the ego, smoke and mirrors. And God uses fear and ego to help me grow. He’s in charge, and my job is just to trust.
I had a vision that I was in a small row boat, it was dark and stormy, and my boat had become jammed up in some high jagged rocks. I was stuck, afraid, exhausted, and completely ready to give up. I yelled out, “GOD!!! HELP ME!!!” And he did. He pointed the direction to go. But he didn’t pick up my boat and place me in the safe waters. I had to push away from the shore, I had to row my boat to freedom, peace, sunshine, and truth.
Most of you know that I have had a very up and down battle with bulimia over the last year. Just when I seem to feel like I’ve left it behind forever, it sneaks in the back door, ties a rope around my feet, and pulls me back to the depths of hell. Heaven fights back though. Love always wins. If its not ok, its not the end.
Today I stepped on to my yoga mat, and then I asked my angels what I needed to do physically to contribute to my healing. I was in the gymnastics/karate room at the gym, and I ended up doing somersault after somersault, cartwheel after cartwheel, handstand after handstand, dancing and freeing up all the accumulated energy that I have repressed that the little girl inside me wants to express. Then I laid on my back with a hand on my soft belly, and I cried big huge little girl tears. My inner parent and my inner child held hands and cried. I told her I was sorry for hurting her and I told her she was safe now. And I truly mean that. I know she won’t come out and play unless she feels safe. I want her to feel safe. I want to learn to love the little girl in the closet who hides in the darkness. Who holes up and shuts out everything and everyone. The crazy thing I just realized is that I did this whole practice in the darkness, because I could not get the lights to work! Perhaps that was symbolism of my shadow, to not be afraid of my darkness anymore. I don’t know how it’s all related, but I know that when I separate from truth, beauty, freedom, and radical self-love, she retreats to the darkness. And then I practice bulimia INSTEAD of LOVE to somehow escape the pain of being separated from her.
Addiction is like beating your head with a hammer when you have a headache. It’s like jaywalking in busy traffic for fun. It’s truly a death wish in the mind. A cancer, a parasite drawing all the life force from its host, until the host finally gives up. And God can kick the cancer’s ass, the angels can boot it out like nobody’s business, but I have to remember to keep the door locked. Because it’s a sneaky, insidious little fucker. And it will be back.
I have to remember to trust my inner knowing.
Be still and know that I AM GOD. And God tells me there is nothing I will find within me that is bad, or wrong, or undeserving of love. He simply wants to shine the light in ALL my dark shadowy spaces. And to give me the healing modalities I need to extend love and a safety net to the parts of me that have separated. I am perfect, whole, and complete IN God.
And so are you.